LETTER TO MY EX...Just keep reading

It has come to my attention that a break-up in a relationship is a rite or right of passage if you like. Even when things seem so sweet in your relationship, that Sms "we need to talk" must be received in your phone ONE DAY. The saddest part is that you will have to part ways and move-on with life separately. In these situations, people react differently; some drink alcohol uncontrollably, some cry, others insult their partners, some seek to revenge, tarnish each other's name among other embarrassing reactions. However, i have decided to be different and unique as always.

 I will write a recommendation letter to my Ex just like employers write about their employees. 

Vinniewatz

P.O BOX lost love

My Ex,

HRM Broken Hearts Ltd

P.O BOX mapenzi.com

NAIROBI.

Dear Mr. Future Boyfriend,

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

This is to notify you that the above named person has been working with our company for the last two years. She has been deployed on a rotational program in an array of departments from cooking, washing, accounting my salary, and planning my time. As her supervisor, there are few things i have noted that I should bring to the attention of her future boyfriend. One of the most important issues is that the purported person is a spendthrift. Since we knew each other, I have not saved a single coin in my savings account. She has been asking money from me like a Sacco. I have been evading fellow men since i cant buy them a round; I haven't sent my mother a dime for a while, thanks to this woman.

I would also like to inform you that this person snores badly at night. Her nose can be useful to make a commercial for Subaru motor vehicle. Her heavy sound at night as resulted to my insomniac conditions; sometimes i had to plug in headphones with loud music in order to sleep. She has this weird way of dreaming where she mentions other men's names other than mine. For example, before we broke up she was just obsessed with Morris, she kept on saying "Mollis, Mollis, nimeshoka."   I don't know what that means but since she had mentioned several men before, i was not moved an inch. 

This lady does not cease to amaze me, she had drafted a time-table for our conjugal. Imagine for me to see her, i mean seeing her (you get it), we had to make a fixture just like the EPL League fixtures. If I was late or there was a match abandonment like Gor and AFC match, this meant that i had to loose all the three points. 

However, there are few things that she was good at. Number one, talking, this lady can talk, she can complain all day long, talk more than a stereo radio. She used to scold me each minute we were together for the simplest reason. I now believe the singer Juliani that electric fence cannot protect you from a nagging wife. She is also good in eating, imagine we had to fill the refrigerator every week and I live in Kayole, Is this fair? She can eat lunch at her home, come to my house and cook, and still ask me to take her out for lunch.

Anyway, the lady has gained vast experience about relationship and I believe she will use it to her next organization. I would like to take this opportunity to wish her all the best in her future endeavors. All the best Mr. future Boyfriend. 

Yours in Pain,

Vinniewatz